I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
