i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
