there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
