This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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