you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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