you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
