I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
