Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
