I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
