how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
