My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
