he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
