i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
