My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
