Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
