It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize