I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
