Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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