i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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