you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
