That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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