if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
