Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
