Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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