I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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