Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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