she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
