The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
