So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's never too late to be topless.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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