Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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