I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
