the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
