I think I won the penis lottery.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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