Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
