Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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