I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
