i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
