he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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