she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
