genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
