Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
