Kiss
Puke
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
