i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
