well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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