WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
