its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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