It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
