Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
