onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
