I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's always time for handjobs
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
