Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
