i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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