My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
