What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I've blown a few things in my day
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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