I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
