dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We don't watch enough power rangers
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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