I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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