Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize