Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
