Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
