dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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