I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize