Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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